To Lie or to Love
Suzan Odabasi
Issue date: 5/6/09 Section: Features
"I left school sophomore year and came back a different person. I knew I had to find a more constructive way to deal with it."
The process of establishing a different, more true-to-self identity began. He contacted "Courage," an organization that is headquartered in New York and supports people who struggle with being gay, while promoting celibacy. But he also was in touch with "Dignity," an organization that promotes being gay and condemns the official views of the church.
"I began seeing a relative morality in all organizations," says Utterback. "That was my watershed moment."
While he says that he was not particularly angry at the church or his former self, he recalls that "it was a huge relief." He told a handful of people at school, came out on Facebook. Then he published an essay entitled "Not Quite Yet," which deals with his sexuality, in Graphos, SNC's literary magazine. As expected, reactions among people varied.
"My mom cried a lot," says Utterback, whose parents are practicing Catholics. "They wanted me to go to therapy, which I did, but then the therapist confirmed that it would be best if I lived the life I considered true for myself."
Similarly, some people on campus applauded his decision, while others were reserved about it.
"Some people were very excited, notably faculty," says Utterback. "Some people were disappointed, notably some priests." However, he also received support from some Norbertines.
The criticism from some ends did not wash away the relief he felt when he had started to finally be honest with people and with himself. Today, he wants to encourage people in the same or a similar situation to follow in his footsteps.
"My advice is to just do it, and St. Norbert has been very kind to me. I was friends with the most conservative people on campus, and the fact that they are still friends with me is a sign of their kindness." Then he grins and says, "I know that deep down inside they want to hold the beliefs I do, but the Pope scares them." Utterback himself has left the Catholic Church and joined the Unitarian Universalists.
The process of establishing a different, more true-to-self identity began. He contacted "Courage," an organization that is headquartered in New York and supports people who struggle with being gay, while promoting celibacy. But he also was in touch with "Dignity," an organization that promotes being gay and condemns the official views of the church.
"I began seeing a relative morality in all organizations," says Utterback. "That was my watershed moment."
While he says that he was not particularly angry at the church or his former self, he recalls that "it was a huge relief." He told a handful of people at school, came out on Facebook. Then he published an essay entitled "Not Quite Yet," which deals with his sexuality, in Graphos, SNC's literary magazine. As expected, reactions among people varied.
"My mom cried a lot," says Utterback, whose parents are practicing Catholics. "They wanted me to go to therapy, which I did, but then the therapist confirmed that it would be best if I lived the life I considered true for myself."
Similarly, some people on campus applauded his decision, while others were reserved about it.
"Some people were very excited, notably faculty," says Utterback. "Some people were disappointed, notably some priests." However, he also received support from some Norbertines.
The criticism from some ends did not wash away the relief he felt when he had started to finally be honest with people and with himself. Today, he wants to encourage people in the same or a similar situation to follow in his footsteps.
"My advice is to just do it, and St. Norbert has been very kind to me. I was friends with the most conservative people on campus, and the fact that they are still friends with me is a sign of their kindness." Then he grins and says, "I know that deep down inside they want to hold the beliefs I do, but the Pope scares them." Utterback himself has left the Catholic Church and joined the Unitarian Universalists.
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