To Lie or to Love
Suzan Odabasi
Issue date: 5/6/09 Section: Features
St. Norbert senior Paul Utterback and Paul Mitchell, 2008 graduate of Oklahoma State University, have been a couple since last December. In a society that still holds many stereotypes against homosexuality, both struggled with acknowledging what would truly make them happy. In order to find their happiness, they had to break out of strict religious doctrines that oppose being gay. Their stories of coming out highlight the importance of finding and acknowledging one's true identity, and show the courage it takes to act against societal expectations.
It was in the fall of 2006 when Paul Utterback realized that he couldn't maintain his status-quo anymore. A couple of weeks into his sophomore year at SNC, he was trying to keep up his usual routine: daily mass at either 6:45 a.m. or 12:20 p.m., Latin masses in Green Bay on Sundays-people called him Captain Catholic. He considered services at Old St. Joe's as too liberal and less legitimate than the services he was used to.
Today Utterback knows that he was using his religion to fight against something he has been aware of since elementary school-he is attracted to men.
"It's like the default choice," Utterback says. "If you're gay, you can live in a community with other people in a celibacy setting and have a fulfilled life." It was when he had a crush on a boy in fourth grade that he decided that he was going to join a religious order. Although a 10-year-old boy would hardly make the choice to feel a sexual attraction to another boy-especially not in a society that teaches him that he must get married and have children one day-Utterback soon developed the idea that he could repress his feelings.
"It's hard to underestimate the influence of the Roman Catholic Church in my growing up experience," he says. In 18 years, he missed Sunday mass only two or three times and prayed the rosary every morning.
One might ask what happened to Utterback that made him change his life. In 2006, the façade he had been putting on for so long started to break; although he was putting all his efforts towards fighting against something that his faith told him was a sin. When he withdrew for a semester, he knew things had to change, one way or another.
It was in the fall of 2006 when Paul Utterback realized that he couldn't maintain his status-quo anymore. A couple of weeks into his sophomore year at SNC, he was trying to keep up his usual routine: daily mass at either 6:45 a.m. or 12:20 p.m., Latin masses in Green Bay on Sundays-people called him Captain Catholic. He considered services at Old St. Joe's as too liberal and less legitimate than the services he was used to.
Today Utterback knows that he was using his religion to fight against something he has been aware of since elementary school-he is attracted to men.
"It's like the default choice," Utterback says. "If you're gay, you can live in a community with other people in a celibacy setting and have a fulfilled life." It was when he had a crush on a boy in fourth grade that he decided that he was going to join a religious order. Although a 10-year-old boy would hardly make the choice to feel a sexual attraction to another boy-especially not in a society that teaches him that he must get married and have children one day-Utterback soon developed the idea that he could repress his feelings.
"It's hard to underestimate the influence of the Roman Catholic Church in my growing up experience," he says. In 18 years, he missed Sunday mass only two or three times and prayed the rosary every morning.
One might ask what happened to Utterback that made him change his life. In 2006, the façade he had been putting on for so long started to break; although he was putting all his efforts towards fighting against something that his faith told him was a sin. When he withdrew for a semester, he knew things had to change, one way or another.
Be the first to comment on this story