St. Norbert Times

Issue date: 5/6/09 Section: Opinion

For example, let's say we have a Type A, Sarah, who meets a Type B, Matt. Now Sarah considers herself a pretty picky person when it comes to dating, and she's fairly confident in her ability to read people, especially guys. Matt, on the other hand, isn't so sure of himself. He's extremely smart but doesn't put effort into school. He's into some drugs, mostly weed, but he tries harder stuff occasionally. He's generally aloof and fluctuates between caring about Sarah a lot and seeming distant and bored.

Now Sarah is attracted to his better points (intelligent, funny, likes the same music as her etc.) but knows that it will never really go anywhere because of his lesser ones. However, instead of recognizing that he probably isn't the right person for her, she'll instead spend an exorbitant amount of time trying to alter his personality, the very core of who he is, to make him into the kind of guy she could let herself care about on a deeper level. Keep in mind that during this whole time, Sarah has not let her guard down; there's an emotional barrier between her and Matt, which she will never allow him through as is. This is because, again, Sarah is very aware of the whole situation and has known from the start that Matt is not for her. At this point, Matt has become a "challenge," a pet project, a puzzle to figure out, instead of being a person worthy of her love because of who he is.

So when we talk about commitment, I think it's most pertinent to discuss how to reduce your likelihood of being hurt by someone by getting into a relationship that actually suits your needs from the start. Otherwise, you're obviously not going to want to be in a committed relationship with them. In the previous example, Sarah is at fault because she is ultimately hurting both herself and Matt. She is treating Matt like a strategy game rather than a human being. Instead of simply admitting to herself that the two of them probably shouldn't be more than friends, she keeps fighting for something more, hoping that maybe one day he'll be what she's looking for. Or, even worse, she's just bored and looking for something to do. Matt is partially at fault because he should be aware enough to know that he and Sarah really aren't on the same page developmentally; even if he's not sure what he wants, he probably knows that he's not what she's looking for.

Ultimately, it comes down to who you will and will not allow yourself to be open with emotionally. It's usually not extremely difficult to tell if you and a person have the potential to be more than friends (ideally, it should come naturally and seem effortless). But, if you're like Sarah and put so much effort into something that isn't going anywhere, and you're aware of it, then you're just setting yourself up for the sense of defeat and helplessness when the other person doesn't live up to your expectations. Worse, you're actually leading them on, making them believe that they have the potential to be what you want, when actually you're just letting them know that they aren't good enough (which is obviously hurtful). In order to form more healthy relationships with the kinds of people we know we want, we need reconcile ourselves with the fact that our relationships with everyone aren't required to work out; sometimes it's better to just let go and find someone new.

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