Commitment…Or Lack Thereof
Chris Connors
Issue date: 5/6/09 Section: Opinion
Why are guys afraid of commitment?
I think the first thing we need to establish is this: women are just as afraid of commitment as men are. It remains a common stereotype that men are always the ones to jump ship first, which simply isn't true. Part of the problem seems to be that all the girls who want a committed relationship are actually getting involved with guys who are looking for the opposite, and vice versa. And that's the most frustrating part: you have otherwise really intelligent, wonderful girls who are somehow attracted to the "bad" boy. This seems to be more common than I personally thought, though not the only reason for commitment issues, as both genders contribute equally to this dilemma.
There's an explanation for this. I'll use college students as the basis of this example (since, of course, that's what we are). The people in college who are looking for a commitment tend to be what I would call "self-actualized," insofar as they are fairly aware of who they are and what they want in terms of a relationship. They see themselves as independent and view relationships as a healthy complement to an already satisfying existence. Let's call these people "Type A."
There are also people who simply do not know what they want ("Type B"). It's a common adage that college is the place where a lot of people "figure themselves out." This isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's an important developmental stage. It is, however, very difficult to tell someone else what you want out of a relationship when you simply don't know yourself well enough to decide that. Yet, at our age, every hormone in our body is telling us to go out and…date, which leads to the seemingly inevitable combination of the two types, and thus frustration and heartache.
So these Type A people encounter Type B people, and more often than not are in some sense intrigued by who they are and what they are involved in. Furthermore, they often feel that they can "help" or "change" Type B, somehow molding them to a more healthy experience (i.e. bringing Type Bs closer to the level Type As perceive themselves to be at).
I think the first thing we need to establish is this: women are just as afraid of commitment as men are. It remains a common stereotype that men are always the ones to jump ship first, which simply isn't true. Part of the problem seems to be that all the girls who want a committed relationship are actually getting involved with guys who are looking for the opposite, and vice versa. And that's the most frustrating part: you have otherwise really intelligent, wonderful girls who are somehow attracted to the "bad" boy. This seems to be more common than I personally thought, though not the only reason for commitment issues, as both genders contribute equally to this dilemma.
There's an explanation for this. I'll use college students as the basis of this example (since, of course, that's what we are). The people in college who are looking for a commitment tend to be what I would call "self-actualized," insofar as they are fairly aware of who they are and what they want in terms of a relationship. They see themselves as independent and view relationships as a healthy complement to an already satisfying existence. Let's call these people "Type A."
There are also people who simply do not know what they want ("Type B"). It's a common adage that college is the place where a lot of people "figure themselves out." This isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's an important developmental stage. It is, however, very difficult to tell someone else what you want out of a relationship when you simply don't know yourself well enough to decide that. Yet, at our age, every hormone in our body is telling us to go out and…date, which leads to the seemingly inevitable combination of the two types, and thus frustration and heartache.
So these Type A people encounter Type B people, and more often than not are in some sense intrigued by who they are and what they are involved in. Furthermore, they often feel that they can "help" or "change" Type B, somehow molding them to a more healthy experience (i.e. bringing Type Bs closer to the level Type As perceive themselves to be at).
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